Monday, January 07, 2013

Stop the Obesity Epidemic! Establish 'No Pie Zones' and Ban Spoons!

by Mike Rogers

"Obesity, Diabetes, Heart Disease, High Blood Pressure costs this country more than $120 billion dollars each year." – Michele Obama

It is well known that obesity is Americas number one killer today. Don't believe me; just take a gander at the video of Michelle Obama as she makes the quote above. 

Recently many people in the USA have been calling for a gun ban as we all know that inanimate objects (as well as God, dogs, voices in the head and Frank Zappa recordings) can and do control human actions. Guns are responsible for about 9,000 deaths in the US annually. Meanwhile obesity, er, I mean, spoons and forks, account for over 300,000 deaths. Where are our priorities?

Of course we need to ban all guns and ammo (as well as camouflage clothing, night vision glasses, Coleman camping equipment and sterno lanterns). But, let's get our house in order and set our priorities straight! We must fight back against the obesity epidemic by severely restricting spoons and all other types of silverware and table utensils that make it easier to become obese!

The real problem with America today is obesity not gun murders... Therefore I propose a federal ban on spoons as too many Americans eat far too much ice cream and sweets... I also propose enforcing a "No Pie Zone" over all major American cities.

I have pitched this idea and done so for absolutely free (no copyright claims to come from me as I do this for the greater good – Apologies to Walter Block). I have also shown this idea to my intelligent friends on Facebook and asked for their opinions. I think you'll find the following exchange of ideas to be quite refreshing and invigorating....

Let's now put our heads together and find a way, a true way, in the American spirit of bi-partisanship, towards finding the best way to deal with this obesity scourge that is obviously caused by kitchen utensils. 
I have a dream! Today spoons and forks, tomorrow desert plates and tablecloths!

Let the discussion begin! Here's how we tackle this obesity epidemic once and for all! Here are selected quotes from my distinguished panel of friends! 

Red Brown: You need to move incrementally – you can't just throw this down all at once. First you need to make people register their spoons, and also restrict the capacity of spoons allowed. Once that becomes accepted, you can move towards limiting the number of spoons a person can have, and you can also restrict the movement or exchange of any spoons. Then, and this is the important part, you announce that there is a bill in the works to criminalize any and all silverware. Finally, you strike down all the provisions of this new bill except banning spoons of any type. You also move most of the old spoon restrictions over to forks. Everyone thinks they got off pretty well and gives up their spoons – easy as that! 

Marc Abela: Since you don't want to alarm everyone, first I suggest we increase taxes and add bureaucrats who will build a paper based federal spoon-registry list... all spoons will need to have a serial number on them, and they will need to be registered and attached to a clearly identified owner...

Red Brown: Unfortunately, a huge black market, of illegal spoons from foreign countries and also locally made spoons, explodes into existence and the Feds create a new bureaucracy called the BATFU (Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco Firearms & Utensils). This monstrosity consumes 1/10 of our federal budget and most of the employees are grossly overweight.  

Rogers says this Eatensil should be banned!

The Eatensil is designed for the kitchen. It combines seven tools which make eating easier – a spoon, fork, knife, pizza cutter, chopsticks, bottle opener and wooden chip fork – all in a Swiss Army Knife-type casing." The Eatensil?! We've got to put a stop to this!

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