Ranch wife 101 revisited
by Julie Carter
Another generation of young ranch wives is hitting the scene
in rural America and I feel it is my duty to help educate them to the
idiosyncrasies of being Mrs. Cowboy.
I first launched this list years ago and it quickly went
viral through the world of cowboy wives. Along the way, it lost my name as the
author and when it came back around, I often had to prove I’d actually written
it.
Fortunately for me, I had witnesses. Two other ranch wives
helped me hatch this advice as we threw our personal experiences in a hat and
pulled out this curriculum.
While this is by no means a complete guide, it is as true
today as it was eight years ago when my pals and I laughed heartily over seeing
our collective wit and wisdom in print.
Ranch wife 101
guidelines
·
Always load your horse in the trailer last so it is the first one to be
unloaded. By the time he’s got his horse unloaded, you will have your cinch
pulled and be mounted up ready to go -- lessening the chance of him riding off
without you with your horse trying to follow while you are still trying to get
your foot in the stirrup.
·
Never and I repeat, never, ever believe the phrase “We’ll be right
back.” When he has asked you to help him doing something out on the ranch,
those echoing words, “this will only take a little while” should evoke sincere
distrust in every cowboy’s wife who hears them. The only promise in those words
is you won’t be back until long after dark.
·
Always know there is absolutely no romantic intention when he pleadingly
asks you to take a ride in the pickup with him to go around the ranch while he
checks waters and looks at cattle. What that sweet request really means is --
he wants someone to open the gates.
·
He will always expect you to quickly be able to find one stray yearling
in a 4-section brush-covered pasture but he will never be able to find the
mayonnaise jar in 4-square feet of refrigerator.
·
Count every head of everything you see—cattle especially but sometimes
horses, deer, quail or anything that moves. Count it in the gate, out the gate
or on the horizon. The first time you don’t count is when he will have expected
that you did. That eyelash-batting blank look you give him when he asks “How
many?” will never be acceptable to him.
·
Know that you will never be able to ride a horse or drive a pickup to
suit him. Given the choice of jobs, choose throwing the feed off the back of
the pickup. If he is on the back and you are driving, the opportunity for
constant criticism of speed, ability and your eyesight will be utilized to the
full extent. “How in the *@*# could you NOT see that hole?” he will demand.
·
Never let yourself be on foot in the alley when he is sorting cattle
horseback. When he has shoved 20 head of running, bucking, kicking yearlings at
you and then hollers “Hold’em, hold’em” at the top of his lungs, don’t think
that you really can do it without loss of life or limb. Contrary to what he
will lead you to believe, firing yourself and walking back to the house is
always an option.
·
Don’t expect him to correctly close the snap-on tops on the plastic
refrigerator containers but know he will expect you to always close every gate,
always. His reasoning, the cows will get out; the food will not.
·
Always praise him when he helps in the kitchen -- the very same way he
does when you help with the ranch work -- or not.
·
Know that when you step out of the house you move from the “wife”
department to “hired hand” status. Although the word “hired” indicates there
will be a paycheck, and there won’t be, rest assured you have job security.
Free is a price he likes. And most of the time you will be “the best help he
has,” because you are the ONLY help he has.
Julie can be reached
for comment at jcarternm@gmail.com
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