Cowgirl Sass & Savvy

Magical timing

by Julie Carter

Most dilemmas for the ranch wife occur because of her husband’s presence in general -- as in his very existence beckons disaster. However, more frequently the bigger problems in ranch life seem to arise only in his absence.

Just let him slip off to the other side of the state to buy something—cattle, horses or equipment – or find time in his ranching schedule to partake in some guy-time at hunting camp, a team roping or other such recreation, and the hammer will fall. Anything and sometimes everything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Water problems always top the list for guaranteed “situations” when the little woman is left alone. The absence of water sets off a chain of actions that begin with a reporting call to the boss who will impatiently respond with “What in the hell do you want me to do about it from here?”

The call is usually not a “how to” request, but a “Where is it?” because the head cowboy almost always has things rigged in such a way only he will know the combination for doing or undoing. This is proven over and over with waterlines and shut-off valves that take a combination of actions to achieve the desired effect.

Let the wandering boss leave home in winter and the power will go off amidst a blizzard and for five days the little woman will fight frozen water lines, chores in the dark and no heat anywhere there should or needs to be. She will manage either on her own or by throwing herself on the mercy of kind neighbors who willingly respond to damsel-in-distress calls day or night. It’s just the neighborly way of the west.

Calving season brings on a new set of possible situations that “will happen” not “if they happen.”

The day the little woman has a meeting to get to, a funeral to attend or has to get to the mail box in town, guaranteed, she will end up with a job that includes calf pullers. That last check on the heifers on her way off the ranch is her undoing.

In her go-to-town clothes, she will muck around in the corral trying to coax a wild heifer, who should be down on the ground but isn’t, into a chute where the calf can be pulled. The bonus for success is bodily adornment of manure, amniotic fluid and a little blood for color.

By the time she has wallered the slimy calf around to save his life so his wild-eyed mother doesn’t step on him and then wallered him a little more to get him to stand up and suck his mama, her appearance is not fit for polite company. More often than not, this is in the same miserable cold weather she had to fix the tank float the day before.

Somewhere amidst this routine, she will find that the milk cow has milk fever and the pickup he left her has a flat tire, and the good jack and four-way tire wrench left in the boss’ pickup.

Dedicated to her job, it’s not been unusual to see the little woman in town on errands pulling a gooseneck trailer with a dogie calf or two loaded in it. The logistics of time and distance require her taking her wards along for bottle feeding because she won’t be home soon enough to tend to them.

By the time he gets home, a party has been planned. Invitations to his lynching have been printed and mailed out and with great mirth among his peers, it will be well attended.

Julie can be reached for comment at jcarternm@gmail.com.