SATURDAY NIGHT AT THE WESTERNER

The day Jake got an attitude adjustment

By Julie Carter

My friend Maurice is one of the ranchers from a few decades ago that was a cowboy because it was part of the job. He never did think he was real punchy—he just got the job done.

In l946 he came home from the Army to find his brothers breaking a young horse they called Jake.

Maurice said in those days on the ranch they usually had several horses that could work in harness to do light duty in the hay fields as well be ridden to move cattle. Sometimes these horses were more like misfits that were too big and clumsy to be saddle horses but not heavy enough to be a good work horse.

Jake was such a horse. His feet were oversized and his head was a little too big, Roman nose included. Even though he wasn’t much to look at, he would fill a need so they decided to break him to the harness and to ride.

A most memorable ride on Jake happened when Maurice and his brothers were gathering cows. Maurice was riding Jake in a hackamore trying to teach him to neck rein when suddenly he developed a nasty little habit.

When Maurice tried to rein him to the left, he would rear straight up then run full speed to the right. When he’d finally get him stopped, turned around and back to the cattle he was fine until that left turn came up again. Jake would repeat rear and run scenario.

As luck would have it, Maurice rode past a cedar tree which had a broken limb hanging within reach. It was about the size of a small “persuader” so he grabbed it on the way past. The next time Jake ran away, he tapped him on the head with it.

He must have hit a sensitive spot because Jake was suddenly unconscious—at a dead run. Usually when a running horse goes down, the front end goes down first and the rider dives headlong into the dirt and rocks. Jake went down on both ends at once and sort of slithered to a halt.

Fortunately, neither Maurice nor Jake was hurt and as soon as Jake came to his senses, they went on about their business.

Maurice is sure not many cowboys have experienced this phenomenon because few have had horses pass out under them at a high rate of speed.

“I hesitated to tell this story because I’m not sure about the Statute of Limitations on Animal Cruelty,” said Maurice. “But it’s been near 60 years and besides there is the possibility that I was experiencing temporary insanity at the moment of contact. Hopefully, I won’t be prosecuted.”

He went on to say, “There was a happy ending to the story. Jake and I underwent total attitude adjustments. Jake lived a long life and never pulled his little trick again. I have reached my 80’s and never hit another horse on the head.”

Maurice said his only regret was he was sure he’d lost any chance of being called a “Horse Whisperer.”

Julie can be reached for comment at jcarter@tularosa.net

© Julie Carter 2005

Do you have a brand?

by Larry Gabriel

There is a tradition among cattlemen that may look like a curious little quirk of human nature to outsiders. We like to put our registered livestock brand on almost everything we own: our cattle, pickups, saddles, belts, rings, chaps, boots, guns and even the rural mailboxes.

If you ask one of us about it, you get a practical answer that it proves ownership. "If my chaps are stolen or misplaced, everyone who sees them around this part of the country will know they are mine. If my wife goes to a potluck dinner, even the pans and dishes are branded. There may be more than one person with the same first or last name, but there is only one owner of each brand and everybody there knows who it is."

It all started as a measure to prevent rustling of livestock. Branding still serves that purpose, but has become much more than that. We love our brands. We like seeing it. It instills pride and a sense of place.

In the process of branding our things with a unique mark, I suspect we are really doing far more than marking ownership of the objects. Psychologists might call it building our identity or defining our self concept.

Whatever the reasons for our affinity for our marks, you would be wise not to mess with a cattleman's brand. (I use the term cattleman in the non-generic sense, by the way.)

Part of it is territoriality. Cattlemen tend to be that way. They may be the most ardent advocates of private property rights in America. Some of that has to do with the nature of our lifestyles and a lifetime of putting our brands on things.

The registered brand is a unique mark. Nobody else has it. We protect it and it protects us. Outsiders would do well to respect it and all our private property rights.

When I was in grade school, children were graded on citizenship. One of the elements was "respects the rights and property of others". That was not a whim. The concept is actually the cornerstone of our nation.

"The true foundation of republican government is the equal right of every citizen in his person and property and in their management." (Thomas Jefferson to Samuel Kercheval, 1816)

When you see stories about landowners fighting against environmentalist or sportsmen, don't get the idea that the fight is about who cares more for the environment or wildlife. Without question we care more. We dedicate our lives to them.

Those fights are about lack of "respect for the rights and property of others". We view our property rights as being on par with freedom of speech and other fundamental civil rights. We took Jefferson at his word.

We need respect for property rights and the brand concept, because everyone needs something they'd be proud to defend, whether it’s a home or a "brand" like a family name, a school name or an "American".

Larry Gabriel is the South Dakota Secretary of Agriculture.

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Osama

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to - not heaven, but to a holding area.

There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the gut and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!".

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain Allah appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

Allah replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"

I welcome submissions for Saturday Night At The Westerner.

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