SATURDAY NIGHT AT THE WESTERNER

EPA sues the feds

by Larry Gabriel

In an abrupt change of policy, the United States Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has announced that from now on it will enforce pollution laws against federal agencies first.

"It is only fair that the federal government get its own house in order before it imposes expensive mitigation measures on the rest of America," a spokesperson said.

As its first order of business under the new policy, EPA will require the United States Department of Agriculture's Forest Service to stop dumping an estimated nine billion tons of pollutants into the air and water of America by burning several million acres of federal lands each year.

"The Forest Service is not fooling anyone. Their own environmental analysis shows they utilize only about 10 percent (nature removes another 10 percent) of the wood produced each year on federal lands in a climate that has only about 18 inches of annual rainfall. We know the other 80 percent of annual growth is planned for discharge into the air and water by combustion. It has to burn and everyone knows it, but they refuse to get a permit for those discharges," an unidentified source in the EPA explained.

Forest Service officials admitted that for many years they have flown through the smoke of wildfires in America in a large aircraft with sophisticated electronic equipment measuring emissions of things like carbon monoxide, mercury and other toxic pollutants. However, they insist that such things are not really "pollutants" under the law unless the Forest Service lights the fire.

"If lightning, a careless camper or an arsonist starts the fire, the release is not a discharge of a pollutant even if at times it is the largest single source of summertime air pollution in North America," a spokesperson said.

A Forest Service spokesperson added, "Well, we can only do what Congress says to do with these lands in laws they write. It is not our fault."

Congressional sources claimed the Forest Service simply has field management problems and for that reason cannot get its work done. "It is really unfair of the Forest Service to blame Congress for their mess," the source said.

The same source hinted that EPA might be due for a change in leadership because "it appears the agency is getting out of hand."

EPA officials did not appreciate the thinly veiled threat from Congressional sources. "Congress is responsible for all federal lands and how they are managed. If they can't figure out how to properly manage the land, they should give it to the States," a source said.

A public opinion survey revealed that 75% of Americans support the federal government's control of 30% of the land in America and think Congress is doing a "better" job of managing it.

The truth is, I made this story up (at least most of it), but maybe someone had such thoughts without saying them.

Larry Gabriel is the South Dakota Secretary of Agriculture


Don’t get too friendly with your local EMT’s

By Julie Carter

America’s finest – our local law enforcement and emergency respondents. And the best thing for anyone is to never ever need any of them.

Every now and then we all find ourselves in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s not hard to do and it isn’t until it is too late that we realize that is just what happened.

Such was my Saturday before the 4th of July. I was, as I usually am at that time of year, in the rodeo arena taking photos of some cowboy event. This one happened to be the Youth Ranch Rodeo – kids on fast running horses.

In the midst of one of the events I proceeded to get myself run into by a very fast running horse. It wasn’t a pretty sight – me flying, camera flying, and sunglasses airborne. It is amazing the thoughts that can go through your mind during the split seconds of wreck like that.

Beyond the “he is going to hit me” and the “this is going to hurt” is the “oh no, my camera!” Although my camera, a baby at only 6 months old, is better insured than I am, it also is a critical part of my job and certainly vital on this holiday weekend.

Before the dust had settled, I rolled over from the sprawled side-back position I had landed and somewhat un-spryly scrambled to my feet.

Every effort was made to appear perfectly healthy to the emergency medical technicians hanging on the fence like vultures waiting for their first piece of meat or someone to stop breathing. Hey, it is their job.

Here is the danger. I know these fine, highly qualified heroes. They are my friends as well as my heroes. But there isn’t a one of them I want giving me mouth to mouth while I’m awake and know about it. And when they wanted to check my leg? Well, I just told them they would have to shoot me with a gun first to get me to take my britches off.

The moral of this story is – don’t make friends with the people who can save your life because you might not let them do it when it really is necessary.

Reaching for any parts that might be in the dirt before they were trampled by concerned bystanders, I hobbled to the fence, bruised and “contused,” but headed for better days –in about a week.

The best part came the next day. Back in the arena with the kids on running horses, a fair board member presented me with a 10-foot piece of crime scene tape – the yellow plastic ribbon that has in bold print “Do Not Cross This Line” repeated the length of it.

It was tied around my neck like a necktie and became part of my wardrobe for the day. It seemed to work. I didn’t get run over again and not because there weren’t a few attempts.

To my heroes in the big box truck with the flashing lights: Thank you for being who you are and doing what you do. You honor me with your friendship.

With God’s help, may I always remain the embedded reporter on the scene, not the “in bed” reporter from the scene.

© Julie Carter 2006