SATURDAY NIGHT AT THE WESTERNER


You just can’t make this stuff up

By Julie Carter

Dan, of Slats and Dan fame, is an interesting character in his own right. He enjoys his happy hick persona to the limit and is all cowboy but with a real job to support his team-roping lifestyle.

Working for the Ford-New Holland dealership, Dan is something of an expert at hay baling and tractors, has been through company schools and can recite parts numbers from a seemingly photographic memory. He supplements his income by day working at different outfits and caring for wheat pasture cattle in the winter.

Dan tells non-stop goofy stories about his hillbilly relatives. He keeps his valuables in a little kid's tin lunch box in the floorboard of his truck saying they might get stolen if he leaves them in the house. This includes his paw's antique .22 saddlebag gun, Slat's papers, the house papers, truck title and his high school ring.

Dan's best friend since childhood is Tim. They split the rent for a couple of years until Tim discovered all the benefits that came with them and selected a wife.

One morning before the wife came into the picture, they woke up and found their hats fit a little tight (translation: they both had a hangover). After some serious discussion they decided that maybe they should eat more vegetables other than hops, corn and tobacco.

They didn't want to go plumb off the deep end and cook anything - the gut grenades and belly-washer drinks at the local Quik Stop were filling most of the requirements for gourmet meals. After considering all their options in the health food line they decided on a cantaloupe.

Since they could get that at the stand by the side of the road next to the roping arena, everything worked out well. When they got home with their purchase they decided it might be a little green so they put it in a bowl and put it in the icebox. That was in 2002.

The next time they thought about health food was in 2003. The cantaloupe was still in the icebox but they donated it to the coon who hunted over the pasture fence. They cleaned out the icebox with a little kerosene and decided maybe health food was a over rated.

Wallace is another of Dan's friends. A few years back Dan and Wallace were at a mega-big practice roping and as both were very new to the sport, they had no clue what was going on and how things worked. They'd made a pact that if either saw the other doing something really stupid they would tell each other. That would avoid the embarrassment in front of a whole bunch of people.

It was Dan's turn first. Wallace, you remember what we said about if we saw the other doing something really dumb we would say so? Wallace nodded his recollection.

I see you got some of those really high-dollar skid boots endorsed by Coopers on your horse tonight, Dan said. Wallace nodded. You know those belong on the back feet of your horse? Dan asked.

Wallace's logic was simple. I know they are supposed to go on the back feet, but this damn horse won't let me put them on his back feet and they cost me $55. Any time I blow $55 on something for a horse, he's going to wear it somewhere. If he hadn't let me put them on his front feet he was going to have to wear them on his ears.

Wallace roped all evening in that manner, giving stern looks to anyone that may have glanced his way in question. No one said a thing.

Cowboy banter is basic, honest and always entertaining. Conversations run fast and in many directions - like the one about Kathy the Bling Bling Queen from Right Smack Out of the Crack, Oklahoma.

You just can't make this stuff up. Who would believe it?

© Julie Carter 2006


What's the Goal?

by Larry Gabriel

What is the current primary goal of federal efforts to influence agricultural production in America?

We have been debating the farm policy of the United States Government for many years. Each time there is a new farm bill in the works, we start all over again with no clear picture of what we are doing, as far as I can tell.

I recently attended the annual national conference for state departments of agriculture and listened to arguments for and against our crop subsidy system and disaster assistance programs.

After all that listening and talking, I still can't tell what the primary goal is.

Is it cheap food? Is it boosting rural income? Is it keeping good stewards on the land? Is it creating biodiversity? Is it growing more ducks? Is it creating more bargaining chips to use in the international trading arena?

Those are all possible goals, but shouldn’t there be one primary, over-riding goal or objective that gives policy a sense of direction?

In any system or program with multiple goals, there will be times when stated goals are in competition with each other or in direct conflict with each other. Many of the stated agricultural policy goals are competing or conflicting. Only a primary goal can give us direction when competing goals are in conflict.

For many years, cheap food was named as the primary goal. It is true that having an adequate safe food supply is an absolute necessity for any nation. Many countries cannot produce all they need and are dependent upon imports. We import food too, but we could survive without it. Some nations cannot.

Is food security the real primary goal of the congressional direction to USDA (the United States Department of Agriculture)? I don't know. I am not sure you can find a congressman or senator who knows.

If food security is the current primary goal of federal farm policy, are we going about it the right way? Are the subsidies directed at the food products we really need or toward the ones some particular group wants to promote?

These are all questions our leaders need to answer. These are all questions we must continue to ask until they do.

You might be surprised to learn that at one time getting rid of small unsustainable farms was a goal of Congress and USDA. Now it seems they have reversed their thinking on that.

I have no idea what the current primary goal of United States farm policy is. I sure hope somebody does.

"The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office." --Will Rogers

Larry Gabriel is the South Dakota Secretary of Agriculture