Summer survival includes the annual family reunion

By Julie Carter

Summers mark a myriad of events in people's lives, ranging from Disney-land vacations to weekend boating and fishing at the lake. Family reunions fit in there somewhere and any of the sane ones that attend leave thinking, "What was I thinking?"

Family reunions are where a whole bunch of kinfolk, who never did like each other much, get together for a day or two and try to act like they are happy to be in the family.

Then they spend most of that time avoiding everybody they didn't like in the first place.

Every family has its "special people," and the last reunion I heard about began with the description "Somebody needs to get the net after that entire bunch."

Many reunions are fodder for a sitcom script. Here is just one.

The clan runs the gamut of all kinds of crazy.

The cousin that is the judge mistook the rest of the kinfolk for voters and told stories and jokes nonstop.

His motto was, "Any story worth telling is worth adding a little something to."

The family dictator, aka, the one who organized the event in a resort town one state over from where they all lived, instructed one cousin he was in charge of Sunday morning breakfast.

Her list was for him to get 80 eggs, 5 pounds of sausage and 5 pounds of bacon.

When two of the expected clan didn't arrive, she cut the number to four dozen eggs with the same sausage and bacon.

No one was quite sure who it was that didn't show, but they knew they must be egg-eating dudes.

The fact that the organizer was a schoolteacher made this math somewhat concerning but then someone recalled she was allowed to teach only special-ed students.

Uncle Mike was a big winner at the horse races and told the clan he would treat them all to a drink at the casino.

"You know, when you hit it big at the races, a feller can do a lot of things," he said.

"How much did you win, Mike?"

"Twenty-three dollars," he answered.

The old uncle, who is 84, has a young steady girlfriend of Latin descent, and he spent the weekend giving tango lessons on a spontaneous basis.

A whispered warning passed from cousin to cousin to be sure and not ask the old guy about his love life unless you were prepared to hear more than you wanted about sex at 84.

Touristy events included a trip to a local Western museum that made an impact at some level on most of them.

A good number of them opted for a trip to a Friday night buffet, highlighted by one cowboy landing passed out on a stack of clean glasses in the pantry while a security guard babysat him until his wife was located.

Although classified pretty much as hillbillies through and through, there were a few that made every attempt at being civilized, even just for the weekend.

One woman proudly spent $62 on a pedicure, foot massage, had little daisies painted on her toes and her skin twinkled from the sparkles in the lotion that was applied.

Another lost 11 cents playing the penny slots and whined about it for two days.

The jewelry peddler cousin worked throughout the event and sold a load of stuff to the kinfolk and even to a few local shops.

She hauled all the females down to a trendy boutique where they bought a $150 shirt or two.

Others thought the $5 price to see the museum was good enough and besides, they already had a shirt.

Julie’s new book, Cowgirl Sass and Savvy is shipping now. See her Web site at www.julie-carter.com