Politicalspeak 101

by Gary Reed

Since politics has become a year-round hunt with no definable season, this article is offered as a public service for those who want to become political sharpshooters but aren't completely familiar with the vocabulary of this most ancient and ruthlessly brutal of human blood sports.

Politics – The art of manipulating people. This definition can be infinitely refined and redefined but those five words are its essence.

Democracy – A system of thuggary in which the majority enforces its will on everyone else, as opposed to the original United States, which was a constitutional republic featuring a minimal government empowered to protect the rights of individuals from the thuggary of the majority.

Fair Share – A term imposed by the recipient of anything on the supplier of anything to guarantee the highest possible share for the recipient. The term is always defined by the recipient. Politicians define the state's "fair share" of taxpayer's incomes. Socialists define a society's "fair share" of its most productive citizen's efforts. Unions define their employee's "fair share" of corporate profits (and then define their own "fair share" of their member's dues). Welfare beneficiaries define their "fair share" of government largess. The fairness of the share is inevitably enforced by some form of coercion.

Fair Trade – A treaty between two countries in which the more powerful country uses its political clout to enforce its own definition of "fair" on the other country.

Fair Tax – A system of taxation that abolishes the IRS, dramatically simplifies the tax-paying process and is equitable for all economic classes while guaranteeing that nothing of substance will change because citizens will still be forced to cough up nearly half their incomes to corrupt politicians who will continue to spend trillions more in revenue than what they collect.

Level Playing Field – A euphemism concocted by incompetent business boobs demanding special interest legislation designed to drag their skilled competitors down to their own level of ineptitude so they won't have to actually compete with them.

Unfair Trade Practices – A term used by incompetent business boobs to define the sagacious business acumen of their competitors. A typical cure for politically manufactured "Unfair Trade Practices" is called "Antitrust Suit."

Change – An utterly shallow word masquerading as a set of meaningful ideas which, when repeated mindlessly, acts to "energize a whole new generation of voters" because those new voters have just emerged from government-run holding cells known as "high schools" where their brains were successfully stripped of the very concept of meaningful ideas.

Move forward – A meaningless phrase used whenever a candidate gets caught hand-in-cookie-jar. Example: Reporter says, "You passed a syrup subsidy bill after receiving donations from the syrup lobby." Candidate says, "We need to forget the past and move forward." In today's Pabulum Press reportage, candidates usually get away with this.

Libertarian – A concept entailing personal freedom and individual responsibility that scares the living bejesus out of politicians from presidents to dogcatchers because they know that if the idea of actual, genuine, no-lip-service freedom ever catches on they'll all lose their cushy con jobs.

Politicogenic – In the same sense that "anthropogenic" means "human-caused" and is routinely found as an adjective preceding such phrases as "global warming," "climate change," "pollutants," "methane emissions" and "greenhouse gasses," the term "politicogenic" means "politician-caused" and should rightfully be frontloaded onto words and phrases like "inflation," "war," "loss of freedom," "energy crisis," "starvation," "genocide" and so on and on and on.

Envirogenic – A term meaning "Death by Environmentalism," i.e., an international ban on DDT that has allowed 50 million people to die from malaria since 1972, branding bio-engineered crops that resist harsh climates, insects, diseases and don't need chemical pesticides as "Frankenfood" while millions starve worldwide, demanding high-mileage cars which require smaller and lighter construction which increases highway fatalities, and et cetera.

Photogenic – Looking good during a ten second sound bite. What did you think it meant?