by
Jonathan Thompson
Many things define the West: our vast
swaths of public land, our fiercely independent spirit and, of course,
our cows and the zany — sometimes disturbing — ways we interact with
them, whether living or dead.
Consider this Salt Lake Tribune
headline: “Dead cow clogs Utah slot canyon; rancher’s impromptu barbecue
makes things worse.” You know you want to know what happened. Well, in
early December, the cow in question ambled down Peek-a-Boo canyon in
southern Utah’s Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument, apparently
unaware that ungulates of its ilk are forbidden. When the cow’s owner
found out, he headed out on his ATV (also forbidden) to retrieve the
cow. Slot canyons are skinny; the cow was not, and it became
irretrievably jammed. The frustrated rancher then shot and killed the
cow. He tried to extract the carcass, first by butchering it, then by
burning it. Neither succeeded. As of mid-December, monument staff were
still trying to remove the carcass. In the meantime, hikers are
forewarned: That thing that smells like a charred, dead cow really is.
And in Pocatello, Idaho, a cow escaped the
frying pan in December only to end up in the line of fire. An unhappy
heifer bolted from a butcher shop’s chopping block, racing out into the
town. Local cops gave chase, and the desperate cow rammed an
animal-control truck and two police cars, according to the Idaho State Journal.
Police officers, concerned about the safety of residents, shot the cow
once, without result, then again, fatally. The former cow was returned
to the meat-processing facility from whence it escaped.
Meanwhile, in Salmon, Idaho, cows have
been vanishing at an alarming rate. Modern-day rustlers are believed to
be trying to cash in on high beef prices. It’s a logical explanation.
But then again, with cows elsewhere hiding out in slot canyons and
busting out of butcher shops, you gotta wonder. … Is the Cow Liberation
Moo-vement to blame?
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