Baxter Black - Public signs should tell the truth

Public signs and announcements are often unclear. Hidden meanings lurk beneath even the simplest directive. I’d like to propose that some government agency be assigned the task of rewriting them.

Fer instance:

An announcement heard frequently in major airports SHOULD say: “Your attention please. The solicitation of funds by religious groups, Moonies, animal rights fanatics, perverts, sickies and other weirdos is not sponsored by the management of this airport or the airlines.”

See… say what you mean.

“This parking space is reserved for handicapped persons. If you are parked here and can walk away from your car without the aid of a cane …it may be the last time.”

“CAUTION: The surgeon general has determined that smoking will cause your lungs to look like Alpo, make your clothes and hair stink, take ten years off your life and make kissing you as pleasant as licking an ashtray.”

“Beware of Dog. We are sick and tired of uninvited guests and couldn’t find a sign that said ‘Beware of Armed Sniper in the Lilac Bush.’ ”

"Parking for customers only: Violators will be crushed and melted.”

“EPA est. 25-mpg city, 30-mpg hwy. These are estimates and your mileage may vary because the EPA, like most government agencies, is incapable of making a decision and since THEY ran the test they’re probably not reliable anyway.”

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