The primary problem with our country
today is that the dog is no longer the preferred pet. Finicky felines
are. The cat is the politically correct creature of apartment dwelling
baby boomers and millenials. Pet parents are even forgoing having
children in favor of felines. Admittedly, there are several benefits to a
cat over a kid: no stretch marks, college costs, need for babysitters
or dirty diapers, in most cases. And if you grow tired of your cat you
could just accidentally drop it off on the edge of town, whereas a child
might eventually find his way home. (Animal rightist alert: I was just
kidding about dropping off your cat. It was supposed to make you do
something I know you’ve never done before: smile.)
Like muddy paw prints all over your car,
evidence of the kitty cult is everywhere. Garfield long ago scratched
Snoopy’s eyes out and our country’s long and proud history of
presidential pooches is now threatened. Nixon’s dog scored higher in the
polls than he did and the Bush’s dog wrote a best seller. The only
thing that barks in the next White House will be the President.
Even our dogs are being named after cats,
like CATahoula, for instance. Llassa Apso and Shih Tzu may have fooled
some people into thinking they are dogs but I know they are really just
cats parading as dogs. Put them in a room with a Siamese and watch them
run. The problem is that we as a nation are adopting the characteristics
of cats instead of man’s best friend, the loyal dog. Like cats, we are
becoming cocky, strong willed, jealous, quarrelsome and lazy.
Cats are the reason we see more crime in
places like Chicago because there aren’t enough watch dogs. If there is a
crime being committed cats are probably in on it. And cats are ruthless
killers. They are responsible for half the starling deaths in this
country. And in England, where the bobbies don’t carry guns, cats kill
an estimated 70 million small animals every year. Cats are bred to be
bad, just look in their family tree and you’ll find cheetahs, mountain
lions, tigers, ocelots and leopards lurking.
As a country we are out of shape because
not enough people are walking the dog any more. Just try putting a leash
on your cat and taking it for a walk downtown and see all the strange
looks you get. Milquetoast males and their cats can no longer be trusted
in our society to bring home the bacon. Cats are sneaky too, they cover
up everything. And smart. The average dog is about as smart as a three
to four year old child whereas the average cat is as smart as a 78 year
old Congressman. And almost as promiscuous.
I ask you, what has a cat ever done for
society? Name one famous cat in history. They don’t pull sleds, herd
sheep, sniff bombs or point out birds. What is their function in life?
They are like a laid-off middle manager of a big corporation. A big
waste of hair if you ask me, or fur. Whatever it is that’s all over the
couch.
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