If you thought living next to Ted
Turner's buffalo was bad just wait until you hear this. According to a
report on CNN and a story written in Newser by Arden Dier, scientists
are trying to revive what was once the largest land mammal in Europe for
over 250,000 years. It's called an Auroch but there's only one problem:
it was last seen grazing in a Polish forest in 1627.
Supposedly, the reason the mad scientists
want to bring back the extinct Auroch is because many areas in Europe
are becoming barren, probably because they kicked the cattle and sheep
off. The Aurochs are being called "supercows" but by looking at cave
paintings of them I must say they'd never win Denver, and I doubt the
American Angus Association is shaking in their shorts, fearing the
competition. For the foreseeable future the initials AAA will still
stand for the Angus Association and the auto club, not the American
Auroch Association.
The animals the scientists want to
recreate are nearly as big as elephants but without all the trunks and
other baggage. It looks to me like the Aurochs would be long on
hamburger, seven bone roasts and brisket and extremely light in the
filet mignon department. The scientists admit that the Aurochs had tiny
rumps and udders and were "not very productive in meat or milk."
So why revive them?
Because they can. Scientists are like
kids with a new toy and darn it, they're going to play with it. These
scientists are called "gene editors" and they're much like regular
editors only without all the grammar stuff they're so uptight about. The
gene editors say that an animal is never really extinct. (Tell that to
the Dodo bird.) They should also tell it to the bureaucrats who are
trying to save hairy-nosed wombats, Mexican walking fish, bird eating
spiders and leaping lesbian lizards. (Really).
As I understand it, as long as the
"ancient DNA" that once made up the Auroch is still present in a living
population scientists can now go back, capture those genes and put back
together the animal that once was. Theoretically, they could go back and
recreate your rich great grandfather, although I don't know why
considering he may want your ranch back. Auroch genes have been found in
breeds of cattle including Dexters, Kerrys, Welsh Blacks, and White
Parks, which sound more like thuggish Irish street gangs than they do
cattle.
Another reason the scientists want to
bring back the Aurochs is fertility. Not the Aurochs' fertility, mind
you, their wife's, mistress' or girlfriend's! You see, hundreds of
thousands years ago very brave men would try to kill an Auroch and cut
off the patch of hair on its forehead, then they'd make a belt out of it
and give it to their significant other in order to make her more
fertile. This makes little sense to me. On the one hand it will make her
more fertile but it will also keep her pants up.
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