Sunday, May 07, 2017

Lee Pitts: How to load a horse

1. First, catch your horse. Using apples, carrots and sweet talk, draw it near. When it's eating out of your hand, rub its neck and attempt to put the lead rope around its neck. After this doesn't work, place a bucket full of sweetmix on the ground and when the horse comes within your range, rope it. When that fails, just have the wife catch your nag for you. It works every time.

2. Lead your horse to the loading area. When it spies the hated horse trailer it may rear on his hind legs and jerk the lead rope from your hand. If so, repeat step one.

3. Leaning on the lead rope with all your weight, play tug of war with your horse to drag it into the trailer. You weigh 185 pounds and it weighs 1,200 pounds. You do the math. Next, ask your wife and one of the kids to get behind the horse, lock hands around his rump and push while you pull on the lead rope. This puts the heads of your wife and kid in close proximity to the rear end of the horse, which has just consumed a bag of green apples and a bucket of sweetmix. This creates an unfriendly noxious environment and your loved ones may be overcome by the deadly fumes.

4. Next, ask your neighbor to grasp your horse's tail and twist and pull on it to get your horse moving toward the trailer. Go to house to retrieve ice and cold compresses for your neighbor to apply to area where he got kicked.

5. Your neighbor suggests he put his in-heat mare in the trailer enticing your male horse to load right beside it. Lead your horse around in circles several times to get him dizzy and suddenly aim toward the trailer. As your stud horse overruns you to breed the mare in the trailer she tries the kick the stud and instead nails you in the groin. Borrow the neighbor's ice pack and say to your neighbor, "Got any more bright ideas, Einstein?" Because you let go of the lead rope it's now necessary to re-repeat step one.

6. Your wife suggests you put a rope through the hole in the front of the trailer and winch the horse into the trailer using the winch on the front of your fully restored 1955 International pickup. Realizing too late you should have used a chain, your horse pulls the front end off your beloved International and breaks your favorite rope in the process. You turn the air blue with a string of cuss words, which prompts the wife to demand, "Don't speak that way in front of the children." 

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