There are six degrees of friendship…
(#6) Facebook Friends- In most cases you
couldn't even pick out this "friend" in a police lineup because you've
never actually met. For all you know this friend could be a serial
killer or a child molester. When your "friend" is arrested for a heinous
crime and the nightly news interviews you, you'll feel like a fool
saying, "He seemed like such a nice guy."
To test this friendship perform what I
call the "mooch test." Starting at a request of a thousand bucks work
down until you arrive at the amount your Facebook friend is willing to
loan you. If it's under fifty-seven cents it's time to make new friends.
(#5) Holiday Inn Friends- This is a
kindergarten classmate you can't remember who is coming to your town for
a vacation and discovers that the cheapest motel room is over a hundred
bucks per night. That's when he/she remembers you live in the area so
he/she calls and invites himself/herself to stay with you. And he/she
brings along their four spoiled kids, a Rottweiler, and spouse with a
terrible cold. These "friends" clog up your toilets, eat all your food,
fill your septic tank, empty your water tank, and soil your linens
before you remember that you never went to kindergarten. A sub-species
of the Holiday Inn Friend is the Winnebago Friend who wants to plug into
your electricity and sewer for a month.
#4) Friends You Can't Stand- This is a friend you once met in a bar,
rehab, foxhole, jail cell, or gym who went on to fame and fortune as a
Congressperson, semi-pro third baseman or mass murderer. It's an
acquaintance you claim as a friend figuring it will increase your own
stature, even though you hate the person's guts. It gives you the right
to say, "Sure, I knew O.J. He even gave me a knife once." Or, "The
Governor and I broke out of juvenile hall together."
(#3) Fair Weather Friend- This is a
symbiotic relationship in that your friend, the parasite, ives off you,
the host. Despite the fact you're always there when they need you, this
person didn't visit you in the hospital when you got your new knee and
never brought a casserole when your momma died. If you run into each
other at Starbucks he/she may or may not even speak to you, depending
upon who they're with.
This pest borrows your stuff but never
returns it and if you want it back you have to buy it at the pest's next
yard sale. The only thing you have in common is you dislike the same
people. With this kind of friend you'll never need an enemy.
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