Lee Pitts: Droning On And On

You can't pick up an ag publication these days without finding a story on how drones will revolutionize the cow business. Supposedly, they'll do everything from checking on float valves to spotting a trespassing hunter. They'll even find cattle on a far flung ranch. I've got news for the experts, we already have such a device… it's called a dog. The initial cost of a good dog and a good drone are similar, two to five thousand dollars, but drones could be cheaper in the long run because you don't have to feed them every day or take them to a vet. Although drones could get pricey if your irate neighbor insists on shooting yours down repeatedly.

I grudgingly admit a drone might be useful. Imagine you're planning a gather but you don't know where the cattle are so you send the cowboys off in every direction. With a drone you could see exactly where they are and save some saddle time. Not to mention wear and tear on the horses. If you ask me, this is cheating. There's always been an unwritten rule that if an outlaw or renegade cow can hide from the cowboys she gets an annual reprieve, even if she has consumed seven tons of your hay but has never given birth to a calf in her pitiful ten year life.

The experts predict radio chips will be implanted in cows that will send signals to an overflying drone so a rancher who is sitting in his Lazy Boy at home will know when a cow is in heat, if a heifer is trying to calve, and the body temperature of every cow on the place. These chips will also tell a rancher where his $10,000 range bulls are, but, horror of horrors, this would mean I'd have to buy my own range bulls if I want my cows bred. Wolf lovers say that drones will tell a rancher when his cows are near a pack o

The fortune tellers predict there will be driverless tractors and hay balers for sale soon but that's no big deal, I had driverless tractors 30 years ago as no person who calls himself a cowboy or cowgirl should ever be seen driving one. At least not on my outfit.

I read one article that predicted drones will create 100,000 jobs but this will be offset by an equal number of lost cowboys. Instead of real cowboys the cowboss will be some computer cowboy dispatcher who plays with a joystick all day. Real cowboys will be an endangered species. I'm sure we'll have drones that will shoot rocket syringes so cattle won't even have to be gathered for immunizations and such. You might laugh and say a ranch will always need cowboys to gather the cattle but I'm sure some dweeb in his garage is working on a drone that will fire sandbags at reluctant cattle to get the herd all moving in the same direction. Speakers on the drone will make cowboy grunts and noises such as "giddiup", "get along little dogies" and "get going you worthless hussy."

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