Sunday, April 29, 2018

Cowgirl Sass & Savvy (revisited)

You just can’t make this stuff up

By Julie Carter

Dan, of Slats and Dan fame, is an interesting character in his own right. He enjoys his happy hick persona to the limit and is all cowboy but with a real job to support his team-roping lifestyle.

Working for the Ford-New Holland dealership, Dan is something of an expert at hay baling and tractors, has been through company schools and can recite parts numbers from a seemingly photographic memory. He supplements his income by day working at different outfits and caring for wheat pasture cattle in the winter.

Dan tells non-stop goofy stories about his hillbilly relatives. He keeps his valuables in a little kid's tin lunch box in the floorboard of his truck saying they might get stolen if he leaves them in the house. This includes his paw's antique .22 saddlebag gun, Slat's papers, the house papers, truck title and his high school ring.

Dan's best friend since childhood is Tim. They split the rent for a couple of years until Tim discovered all the benefits that came with them and selected a wife.

One morning before the wife came into the picture, they woke up and found their hats fit a little tight (translation: they both had a hangover). After some serious discussion they decided that maybe they should eat more vegetables other than hops, corn and tobacco.

They didn't want to go plumb off the deep end and cook anything - the gut grenades and belly-washer drinks at the local Quik Stop were filling most of the requirements for gourmet meals. After considering all their options in the health food line they decided on a cantaloupe.

Since they could get that at the stand by the side of the road next to the roping arena, everything worked out well. When they got home with their purchase they decided it might be a little green so they put it in a bowl and put it in the icebox. That was in 2002.

The next time they thought about health food was in 2003. The cantaloupe was still in the icebox but they donated it to the coon who hunted over the pasture fence. They cleaned out the icebox with a little kerosene and decided maybe health food was a over rated.

Wallace is another of Dan's friends. A few years back Dan and Wallace were at a mega-big practice roping and as both were very new to the sport, they had no clue what was going on and how things worked. They'd made a pact that if either saw the other doing something really stupid they would tell each other. That would avoid the embarrassment in front of a whole bunch of people.

It was Dan's turn first. Wallace, you remember what we said about if we saw the other doing something really dumb we would say so? Wallace nodded his recollection.

I see you got some of those really high-dollar skid boots endorsed by Coopers on your horse tonight, Dan said. Wallace nodded. You know those belong on the back feet of your horse? Dan asked.

Wallace's logic was simple. I know they are supposed to go on the back feet, but this damn horse won't let me put them on his back feet and they cost me $55. Any time I blow $55 on something for a horse, he's going to wear it somewhere. If he hadn't let me put them on his front feet he was going to have to wear them on his ears.

Wallace roped all evening in that manner, giving stern looks to anyone that may have glanced his way in question. No one said a thing.

Cowboy banter is basic, honest and always entertaining. Conversations run fast and in many directions - like the one about Kathy the Bling Bling Queen from Right Smack Out of the Crack, Oklahoma.

You just can't make this stuff up. Who would believe it?

© Julie Carter 2006

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