Sunday, April 15, 2018

Lee Pitts: Making The Change

It's come to my attention that lately there's been an influx of dairymen into the cattle business due to low milk prices. For many, making "The Change" has brought great joy because some dairymen felt there always was a cowboy or cowgirl hiding inside a dairyman's body. But for others, making "The Change" has been more difficult because it involves a complete makeover in the way they look, talk and walk. In some extremely difficult cases it may even involve hormone therapy or a shrink. This essay will serve as a cowboy's guide on how to make "The Change" without all the publicity that Bruce Jenner, or whatever his name is, created.

The first step to becoming a cattleman is an operation to amputate an appendage you will no longer need. Your ATV should be surgically removed from your butt and in its place a horse should be attached. This can be a difficult transition but remember, a horse is like a Holstein: it eats, sleeps, and will come when you rattle a bucket. Once you are attached to your horse remember, never get off. Other heavy equipment should also be removed from your former life including the skid loader, hay baler and feed truck. These have no place on a cattle ranch.

The biggest change will occur in your appearance. First, lose the footwear. Trade in your knee-high rubber boots for a good pair of sturdy cowboy boots. Toss the ball cap you got from the semen salesman and replace it with a cowboy hat. You should wear a long sleeve shirt that is tucked into your jeans at all times and no tee-shirts with stupid udder jokes on them.

Just as Bruce did when he made "The Change", you'll need a new name. Most dairymen actually go by the name on their birth certificate but we don't do that. Get yourself a nickname like Bowlegs, Buster, Wishbone, Gloomy, Leatherlip, Post Hole, Slim (must weigh at least 285), Horse Face, Bean Belly, Tex, Thunder Butt or One Thumb. You do know how to rope don't you?

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