It's come to my attention that lately
there's been an influx of dairymen into the cattle business due to low
milk prices. For many, making "The Change" has brought great joy because
some dairymen felt there always was a cowboy or cowgirl hiding inside a
dairyman's body. But for others, making "The Change" has been more
difficult because it involves a complete makeover in the way they look,
talk and walk. In some extremely difficult cases it may even involve
hormone therapy or a shrink. This essay will serve as a cowboy's guide
on how to make "The Change" without all the publicity that Bruce Jenner,
or whatever his name is, created.
The
first step to becoming a cattleman is an operation to amputate an
appendage you will no longer need. Your ATV should be surgically removed
from your butt and in its place a horse should be attached. This can be
a difficult transition but remember, a horse is like a Holstein: it
eats, sleeps, and will come when you rattle a bucket. Once you are
attached to your horse remember, never get off. Other heavy equipment
should also be removed from your former life including the skid loader,
hay baler and feed truck. These have no place on a cattle ranch.
The
biggest change will occur in your appearance. First, lose the footwear.
Trade in your knee-high rubber boots for a good pair of sturdy cowboy
boots. Toss the ball cap you got from the semen salesman and replace it
with a cowboy hat. You should wear a long sleeve shirt that is tucked
into your jeans at all times and no tee-shirts with stupid udder jokes
on them.
Just as Bruce did when he
made "The Change", you'll need a new name. Most dairymen actually go by
the name on their birth certificate but we don't do that. Get yourself a
nickname like Bowlegs, Buster, Wishbone, Gloomy, Leatherlip, Post Hole,
Slim (must weigh at least 285), Horse Face, Bean Belly, Tex, Thunder
Butt or One Thumb. You do know how to rope don't you?
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