I don't know about you but I became a
little irritated when I read that two of the three largest meat
processors have made sizable investments in upstarts that produce fake
meat. So, in addition to all the other things we have to worry about,
now we have to be concerned that somebody might be slipping us a seaweed
burger or a tofu steak. As a public service I've made a list of ways
to tell if you are about to eat, or have eaten, fake meat.
• Right after dinner there is a run on mouthwash, Pepto Bismol and Tic Tacs.
•
After your husband or child hid the fake meat in the bottom of the
kitchen flower pot when you weren't looking, the plant's leaves turn
brown and the flowers all fall on the floor.
•
As with safe sex, when fake meat is suspected, everyone at the table
starts practicing safe eating habits and using lots of condiments.
•
When your spouse puts a "garden" or "farm burger" on the grill Aunt
Jemima, Jenny Craig and Marie Callender all hold their noses.
•
None of the food is the right color. The lettuce and bell peppers are
red and the meat is a congealed green or nauseating yellow. (Sounds like
two new potential Crayola® colors.)
• If the fake meat is put in the
refrigerator instead of the garbage disposal where it belongs, the milk
goes bad, the eggs turn rotten, the butter container decomposes and
leaves a big grease spot behind, beer cans swell and pop their tops.
While next door in the freezer compartment the ice cream becomes
uneatable. (Something I thought impossible.)
• The dog no longer begs at the table and the cat left for good.
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