I've tried everything to make a living in
the cow business. I bought expensive replacement heifers when the grass
was green and the price was high only to have to sell them for beef
eight months later when the grass and the market both dried up. I tried
the registered business but the paperwork drove my wife nuts and four
different breed associations invited me to quit due to the genetic
damage I was doing to their breed. I even tried the hunting and
taxidermy business but the only wildlife on the place is squirrels and
you'd be surprised how few interior decorators see the beauty in a dead
squirrel hung on a wall. But now I think I really have found a way to
make money in the cow business: Lee's Everlasting Pastures Cow Spa, Hoof
Salon and Memory Garden.
Currently
one of the hottest business concepts is the spa business which gave me
my latest and greatest idea yet. No, I'm not thinking about sending my
wife to a spa, after all, who'd be left at home to do all the work?
Here's my latest get-rich-scheme. We all have old and loyal cows who
stood quietly in the squeeze chute, never got sick, didn't tinkle on the
hay, always calved during daylight hours without any assistance and
never failed to bring a heavy calf to the weaning pen. But in the
twilight of their lives how did we reward their years of service? We
loaded them up, hauled them to the sales yard and sold them to ruthless
cow buyers.
I don't know about you but
I always felt guilty doing this. So, to ease your guilty conscious, and
help me make some money for a change, why not send your worn out cows
to Lee's Everlasting Pastures, Hoof Salon and Memory Garden. For only
$300 per month per cow, you can send those favorite toothless mommas to
my place where they can sleep in late, drink spring water and eat hay so
good it's usually reserved for Holsteins and horses. For the first time
in their boring lives they won't have to sleep on hard ground nor will
they be chased by horny bulls, barked at by pain-in-the-patoot Border
Collies or harassed by wolves. There will be no snotty-nosed-calves
tugging at their flanks either.
On
their first day at the spa all cows will be deloused, dewormed, treated
to a cleansing foot bath and be misted with fragrant fly spray. Optional
treatments for your favorite cows include seaweed body wraps and
feedlot mud facials. Cows can spend the day lazing around the hay shed
or standing in pond water to rid themselves of pesky heel flies. There
will be stretching, cow yoga and bovine pilates and what cow doesn't
dream of an exfoliation by prickly pear cactus that will open their
pores for a delightful eucalyptus oil body rub applied by my wife twice a
day?
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