I’m sure you’ve heard that Progressive
Democrats like Alexandria Ocasio Cortez from New York and Ed Markey from
Massachusetts have said in the Green New Deal that we need to eradicate
cows from the face of the earth if mankind is to survive the next 12
years. New Jersey Senator Corey Booker said, “The devastating impact
from emissions from the meat industry must end.” I find this hilarious
because Booker is a vegan and it’s common knowledge that vegans eat a
lot of beans and legumes. Scientists tell us that the average person has
attacks of flatulence 14 times per day (really) but vegetarians and
vegans, because they consume more beans and legumes, can easily double
that daily production, which explains why Booker is one big gasbag.
The
reason I’m not using the same word the Democrats use to describe this
bovine flatulence is because my mother raised me to be a gentleman and
in our house the word f**t was a four letter word and if she heard one
of her kids using it we’d have our mouth washed out with soap. Yuck! The
only word that comes close to replacing the word the Progressives
insist on using is flatulating, which I’m quite sure my mother wouldn’t
approve of either. But in finding an alternative word I found my
Thesaurus doesn’t include the word f**t or f**ting. I could change the
spelling and use phart or pharting but that’s just beating around the
bush. So I turned to my dictionary which suggested this alternative:
“Simultaneous combustion as a result of retention of excessive methane.”
But it’s ridiculous to use up that many words in my allotted space so
for the rest of this essay I’ll just use the first letters of all the
words in that definition which turns out to be “scaaroroem”. Catchy,
don’t you think?
My encyclopedia
contained all sorts of interesting information about scaaroroem, for
example, did you know that in the 19th century there was a Frenchman by
the name of Le Potomane who could actually make melodic music by
scaaroroeming? Also, did you know that even dead people scaaroroem?
What
the encyclopedia did not say and the Progressive Democrats seem to be
unaware of is that cows don’t scaaroroem. At least not very much. They
belch instead. If there was all this bovine flatulating going on
dairymen would all be deaf, and when you branded your calves the stench
would drive even the most gross cowboy to load up his horse and go home.
But the bi-coastal Progressives seem to be suffering from
nature-deficiency-disorder from hardly ever going outside, so how should
they be expected to know that your average teenager scaaroroems more
than a cow does.
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