Many years ago, Dr. Erfan called to tell
me his story. He’d spent seventeen years inventing and testing a device
to help people quit smoking. It involved a small battery operated unit
that clips in your ear like a hearing aid. Whenever the smoker felt the
urge to smoke, he pushed a button on the unit. It sent a micro-amp
charge which stimulated a nerve in the ear. This nerve caused a release
of natural body chemicals which reduced the need for a smoke.
Human
trials had shown very positive results. Enough so that the device was
already cleared for use in other countries. But not in the U.S. The
F.D.A. was not satisfied. They demanded animal testing. Thus Dr. Erfan’s
call. His question, “Was I aware of any animals stupid enough to
smoke?”
Food for thought. First we
would have to find a species we could teach to smoke. Then once they
were addicted we’d have to teach them to push a button the size of a
match head whenever they felt the urge.
Certain
species, regardless of their stupidity are eliminated because of
lifestyle. Largemouth bass, for instance, whales or sea anemone could
never keep one lit.
Others lack suitable anatomical features necessary like prehensile lips; i.e. crocodiles, ducks or hippopotami.
Or ears in which to insert the unit. Penguins are out as are frogs, snakes, millipedes and woodpeckers.
Then
the selected species would have to be physically capable of pressing
the small button. As you could imagine even the most dexterous ungulate
would have difficulty manipulating its cloven hoof. And I doubt the
smartest rhinoceros in the world could reach his ear with his finger.
So, that narrows it down some. I came up with three suggestions for the good doctor. The anteater, the bird-dog and the cowboy.
No comments:
Post a Comment