Monday, July 27, 2020

Lee Pitts: Not-Rights

If I was a lawyer, which thankfully I’m not, I’d file the largest discrimination case in history on behalf of the 10% of the population who are left handed. (Full disclosure… I’m not a lefty.) Is there a bigger class of victims today than the southpaws who have to conform to a right handed world? I think not. They don’t even have their own bathrooms, for gosh sakes!
I’d form an organization called the “Not-Rights” but the big question is who to sue. Usually lawyers go after the deepest pockets and that would be the U.S. government, but they’re already in debt 25 trillion and they also have an army of lawyers. Even if the Not-Rights won, they’d never get their money.
If we’re going to get a lot of money for the Not-Rights, and a big fee for me, I think the Not-Rights should go after multinational corporations, like the big three car companies. They’ve been making right-handed cars for over a hundred years. Whether the gear shift is on the column or on the floor it’s meant to be operated with the right hand, ditto the radio and air conditioning. Next time you righties go somewhere try reaching over with your left hand to put the car in gear and you’ll see what I mean.
Don’t get me started on desk manufacturers. Almost every classroom I sat in after the third grade had these desks that you entered from the left side so that the writing surface would be on the right hand side. So the Not-Rights were at a huge disadvantage when it came time to taking notes. It’s a wonder they didn’t all flunk out.
Then there’s rodeo. There have only been a handful of lefties qualify for the NFR in tie down roping over the years. I don’t know what the number of left handed bulldoggers is but it can’t be very high and left-handed team ropers might be an even bigger class of “victims” than Finnish Vegan Transvestites for PETA.


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