Monday, October 12, 2020

Lee Pitts: The Vegan Church

I saw a classified ad in our local weekly newspaper inviting newcomers to a VIP potluck, VIP standing for Vegetarian Inclined People. At great personal sacrifice I attended in an undercover capacity. As a disguise I figured I could either go as an old hippie, or a millennial but since I really didn’t fit the millennial demographic, aging hippie it was.

I used an old cap someone had given me as a gag gift eons ago that had a white ponytail sticking out the back. I wore a pair of beat up, old second-hand Birkenstocks I got at the Nifty Thrifty, crumpled cargo shorts exposing my white legs with varicose veins, and a faded Hawaiian shirt. Then I “inserted” myself into the combat zone wearing a wire.

I was greeted warmly by all seven of the VIP’s and I think it was because I was the first “new blood” they’d seen in quite some time. We met in the basement of a church which was most appropriate. I’d always been taught there were three primary religions in the world, Judaism, Islam and Christianity, well, I think it’s safe to say we can add a fourth: Vegetarianism. Granted, the veg-heads don’t sing hymns, pray, or even play bingo but from what I could tell they do believe a very hot Hell is reserved for anyone who eats meat. They believe when good Vegetarians die they go to the big Vegetarian restaurant in the sky and if they don’t backpedal and eat a Big Mac or a Whopper now and then, they could come back as an organic Brussel Sprout… if they’re lucky.

The Vegetarians believe soy is the answer to all the world’s ills and that only through Vegetarianism will the human race become benign and lovely. They are ferocious in these beliefs and send out their missionaries hither and yon to convert everyone to their religion. They especially prey on teenage girls who seem to be especially vulnerable to their wily ways. 


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