Lee Pitts: Merry Covid Christmas

When the COVID pandemic first hit I didn’t think it would last long, after all, it was made in China. But here it is almost Christmas and I’m still living like a dog… all day long I wander around the house looking for food, my wife has to keep telling me, “Down boy,” and I get all excited about going for a ride in the truck. This Christmas I don’t want another stimulus check from our bankrupt government or another lecture by Dr. Fauci about washing my hands. Here is a list of what I DO WANT this COVD Christmas:

• In my stocking I want to find a lifetime supply of N95 masks and little bottles of Purell®.

• I’d like to go outside again.

• I desperately need a year’s supply of toilet paper, the good stuff not the paper that’s so thin you can see through it.

• If it’s not too much to ask I’d like a haircut by a real barber.

• For once I’d like to be able to cough in public without being treated as if I’m a leper.

• I want all the kids to go back to school so they can suffer like I had to.

• I’d like permission to be able to touch my face again.

• I’d like to be able to shop in real stores without having to buy everything from Amazon thus making Jeff Bezos the world’s first trillionaire.

• I’m wishing I never have to hear the following words ever again: quarantine, PPE, Wuhan, pandemic, and most of all, “We’re all in this together.” The only time I want to hear the words self i-so-late is if I’m running a few minutes behind schedule.

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