Baxter Black: RHINO LOVE

Dr. Fosse, once of Pretori, told me about Martha and Arthur, two star crossed rare white rhinos. In a governmental gesture of goodwill, South Africa agreed to ship Arthur to Tanzania to mate with Martha. Brilliant veterinarians, competent game management officials, long winded reproductive specialists and the press discussed at length the procedures involved and the benefits that would accrue with these international relations.

They soon discovered that rhinos cycle according to the length of daylight hours. Martha, on Equatorial Daylight Time, was never quite synchronized with Arthur, on Tropic of Capricornical Time. When he was randy she had a headache and when she was cuddly he was not in the mood.

However, our team of deep thinkers figgered a way around it. They’d artificially inseminate Martha! I can just see these characters squatting under an Acacia tree, breakin’ out a case of Congo Lite and drawing their plans in the dirt with pipettes.

 But since Martha wasn’t cooperating anyway and no sweet smelling rhino geldings were around, they decided to collect Arthur’s semen with an electro ejaculator.

Enlisting the aid of their agricultural engineers, they built a homemade ejaculator out of wire, copper electrodes, a hand crank and lots of electrical tape.

Arthur was quite tame so on the big day they led him out with a loop around the horn and tied him to a thorn tree. With proper lubrication, the head mogul inserted the prod and set the cowboys to crankin’. Alas, Arthur showed no response.

READ ENTIRE COLUMN