There are many pros and cons of being me.
The pros are I have a wonderful wife and a wonderful life, while my
biggest cons are a sickly body and a terrible name.
A person’s name is like a Knight’s crest,
a blue blood’s coat of arms and the convention badge you wear that
says, “Hello, my name is.” While you may be proud of your name and write
it with a big fat Sharpie marker, I write mine small and in fine point.
You see, Lee is not my real name. It’s bad enough but my real name is
Leland. There, I’ve said it. Now the whole world knows my darkest
secret. (I never could keep a secret.) The only people who’ve ever
called me Leland were a couple aunts and my mom when she was really mad
at me and called me all three of my bad names, as in, “Leland Warren
Pitts, did you spill chocolate milk all over that cloth rocking chair I
just finished upholstering?”
That’s another story, but you see my
problem. All three of my names are awful- first, middle and last. Does
it get any worse than Pitts? As in, when someone in conversation refers
to something bad they say, “It’s the pits. Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot,
that’s your name isn’t it?” And then they chuckle. Always with the
chuckle. Ha, ha, ha. If I had a dollar for every time someone has said
that to me I could afford to go into witness protection and adopt an
entirely new identity AND A NEW NAME. I’d pick something simple like Tom
Smith. Or Joe Williams. I see myself as a Tom or a Joe.
I apologize to reputable firms like
Leland Red Angus who have great cattle and I’m sure they are proud of
their name brand. In my defense, I think Leland sounds better as a last
name than it does a first. I also apologize to Pitts Trailers of
Pittsview, Alabama. Someone sent me one of their ads and I wonder if
Pittsview is in reference to the shapely lass in the ad who is standing
with her derrierre to the camera along with their motto, “You’re ahead
with a Pitts behind.”
I wouldn’t know about that.
