Sunday, January 29, 2017
Lee Pitts: Rancher’s Rules
So you want to be a rancher, huh?
There is more to it than joining the cattlemen’s association, buying a hat and sitting at the coffee shop all day. These are the rules all ranchers must obey.
1. You must be at least 59 years of age.
2. Membership is non-transferable. Once you start you cannot quit. There is only one exception to this rule. (See rule number three.)
3. Membership may be canceled or revoked at any time without prior notice by your banker.
4. A rancher’s horse is his most prized possession. It should be a Quarter Horse, but a little Thoroughbred blood is acceptable. Under no circumstances should the rancher’s horse be a Peruvian Paso, Paso Fino or any of those foreign jobs that walk funny.
5. The rancher must own at least one cow or steer, preferably not of the Holstein variety.
6. Before you buy… beg.
7. Never take your wife to a bull sale.
8.Under no circumstances should you let your wife drive. If you do who is gonna open the gates?
9. Keep all work within the family.
10. Don’t expect kind words or praise. That will only come when your dead.
11. The rancher must drive a four wheel drive pick-up with at least two of the following in the bed.; a dog, empty beer can, broken shovel, rolled up ancient barb wire, broken float valve, horse halter, sack of feed, flat tire, baler twine or a broken plastic sorting paddle.
12. A rancher should feel undressed wearing anything other than a pair of Wranglers or Levis. None of those pants with pleats or darts in the front are allowed. I think they call them Dockers. No real cowboy would be caught dead in something called Dockers.
13. A rancher must wear proper headgear at all times. He or she only takes off his or her hat in two instances: at a funeral or when soliciting funds from the banker. The rancher’s hat should either be of the baseball variety, a straw or a beaver hat. At no time should the rancher cover his beaver hat with a plastic rain cover. Beavers love getting wet. So should ranchers.