Sunday, February 19, 2017
Lee Pitts - Identity Crisis
There are many pros and cons of being me. The pros are I have a wonderful wife and a wonderful life, while my biggest cons are a sickly body and a terrible name.
A person’s name is like a Knight’s crest, a blue blood’s coat of arms and the convention badge you wear that says, “Hello, my name is.” While you may be proud of your name and write it with a big fat Sharpie marker, I write mine small and in fine point. You see, Lee is not my real name. It’s bad enough but my real name is Leland. There, I’ve said it. Now the whole world knows my darkest secret. (I never could keep a secret.) The only people who’ve ever called me Leland were a couple aunts and my mom when she was really mad at me and called me all three of my bad names, as in, “Leland Warren Pitts, did you spill chocolate milk all over that cloth rocking chair I just finished upholstering?”
That’s another story, but you see my problem. All three of my names are awful- first, middle and last. Does it get any worse than Pitts? As in, when someone in conversation refers to something bad they say, “It’s the pits. Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot, that’s your name isn’t it?” And then they chuckle. Always with the chuckle. Ha, ha, ha. If I had a dollar for every time someone has said that to me I could afford to go into witness protection and adopt an entirely new identity AND A NEW NAME. I’d pick something simple like Tom Smith. Or Joe Williams. I see myself as a Tom or a Joe.
I apologize to reputable firms like Leland Red Angus who have great cattle and I’m sure they are proud of their name brand. In my defense, I think Leland sounds better as a last name than it does a first. I also apologize to Pitts Trailers of Pittsview, Alabama. Someone sent me one of their ads and I wonder if Pittsview is in reference to the shapely lass in the ad who is standing with her derrierre to the camera along with their motto, “You’re ahead with a Pitts behind.”
I wouldn’t know about that.