Sunday, June 03, 2018

The Law in Hardyville

© 1999 Claire Wolfe

 Since getting rid of politicians, the people of the small, mid-nowhere town of Hardyville haven’t had much truck with laws, either. In fact — except for a few details about being nice to each other at the stoplight — here’s our entire law code:


A. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
(1.) When in doubt, leave them the heck alone.
B. Do unto yourself as you would do unto others.

We find this perfectly clear — especially when compared with, say, the U.S. Code, or even the implementing legislation for the GATT Treaty or the specifics of the Clinton Ugly Gun Ban. But for the benefit of people just moving in from some coast, or who spent too much time in government school, we hand out an explanation sheet like this:


Dear Newcomers to Hardyville:

Welcome. We know you’ll find our town a pleasant place to live and raise your family. We are very easygoing around here. You’ll quickly discover that we don’t ask you to live by many of our own rules; we just expect you live by your own. That’s why one of our few laws says, “Do unto yourself as you would do unto others.” You might wonder what this means in your own life. Well, that’s up to you, but here’s a sample:

Those individuals who wish to ban, tax or regulate the personal health or social habits of others will be expected to provide legal certification that they have absolutely no destructive or annoying habits of their own, of any nature. In the tradition of pure democracy, the definition of “destructive or annoying” may be determined by any two or more Hardyvillians, as long as they outnumber the person practicing the habit.

Anyone advocating the notion that all people have “rights” to housing, welfare, food, a job, medical care or anything else that has to be provided by hardworking people will be expected to provide any or all of the above, on demand, personally, to anyone making the claim for it. After all, to do otherwise would be denying that person his or her “rights.” Of course, if you believe “society” is supposed to pay for these “rights,” you are welcome to recruit all the parts of society who agree with you, pool your pennies, and guarantee any right you want to anybody who wants you to give it to them.

Anyone who advocates asset forfeiture without due process is expected to place an identifying sticker on his or her vehicle so that the Hardyville police will know who they can stop next time they’re short on donut money. Our friendly officers will cheerfully supply you with an absolutely free new “I love forfeiture!” sticker for your next vehicle as they tow away your present one.

Anyone who believes guns are evil should be sure to request a response by an unarmed policeman during any 911 emergency. (Hardyvillians, please note: Out of respect for cultural diversity, neighbors are asked not to use firearms to defend the homes and lives of people who have philosophical objections to the possession or use of guns.)

Any Hardyville residents who want government to ban anything on the basis that “nobody needs” such and such, will be expected to submit to quarterly inspections of their possessions by the Ad Hoc (and yet to be established) Hardyville Citizens Committee, Subcommittee to Determine Personal Need...

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