Sunday, June 03, 2018

Lee Pitts: Real Fakes

I don't know about you but I got really irritated when I learned about the legal battle in which test tubers and tofu fabricators are arguing that they should be allowed to label their product as "meat." What's next, are we going to see top sirloin of chickpea, roast beet or leg of lettuce?

Personally, I think we can't let the impostors piggyback on our good name and if they insist I think we should countersue them for slander and defamation of character. The quacks have a lot of nerve calling their chemical concoctions "meat."

Because "meat" can't technically defend itself, here are some points I'd make on its behalf before a judge or jury if "meat" hired me as its lawyer. But, of course, I can't call myself a "lawyer" because I don't have the proper credentials. Neither does fake meat, get the picture?

1. Real meat is produced by animal science grads, ranchers, cowboys, sheepherders, hog farmers and chicken pluckers, not chemistry professors in white lab coats.

2. You get real meat from animals, not bunsen burners, formulas or test tubes. It comes from farms, feedlots, and ranches, not laboratories or multi-story greenhouses. Whoever heard of a rutabaga feedlot or a turnip cowboy? Things that produce meat once went moo, oink, baa or cockle doodle doo. Things that produce fake meat are too embarrassed to say anything. Meat's main ingredients are sunshine, water, and grass, not multi-syllable chemical concoctions.

3. Often, the main ingredient and centerpiece of our holidays is meat, such as ham for Easter, turkey for Thanksgiving, hamburgers and hot dogs on the Fourth of July. (And don't forget bologna on Election Day.) I defy anyone to name one fake meat that is so well thought-of that it's the main ingredient of a holiday dinner. That alone should disqualify it as a "meat."

4. Real meat does not have to be chemically altered to be made more pleasing to the eye. The only things I've seen that were the same color as fake meat were found in a box of crayons or in plastic Tupperware® containers in the back of my mom's refrigerator.

5. I'm not aware of any large restaurant chain whose business is built on fake meat. Where are the McDonalds Impersonators, the Tofurkey KFC's or the Outback BeyondMeat Steakhouses?

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