Lee Pitts: Signs Of A Stroke

One of the signs you're getting old is the AARP and the American Heart Association will send you pamphlets warning about the signs of a heart attack or stroke. Trust me, it's not junk mail. Nor is it anything to laugh at, although I'm often seen rolling on the floor these days it's not from laughter but because I fell and can't get up. Here are some signs I had:

• I can't remember words. That might not be a problem for a hot house hog janitor but I'm a writer and words are my meal ticket. Sometimes it's simple words like when I called to my wife, "What's that color that's real dark?"

She correctly replied, "Black."

• I couldn't walk. After breakfast on Thanksgiving morning I got up, or at least I tried to. I took one step and did a face plant on the floor. My entire left side went to sleep and wouldn't wake up. I now walk with a cane or walker, bounce off walls and do things contortionists in Vegas can't duplicate. To the untrained eye it looks like I've had waaaaay too much to drink. I wish.

• I'm grounded. My wife won't let me drive or go anywhere. Now I know what those turtles on top of fence posts in Nebraska feel like. I think I could drive but my wife is afraid I'll kill someone or harm our reputation if any of the townspeople see me trying to walk a white line.

• I'm suddenly stupid. I always took pride in my smarts. I was a straight A student and finished college in three years. My wife insists that my intelligence was the main reason she married me. (It couldn't have been my looks or my last name.) Now I can't even remember yesterday and a column that used to take me three hours to write now takes three days. I feel dumber than a Southdown sheep and suspect my IQ is a negative number.

• I shake worse than a cat trying to pass a peach pit and jerk so hard I give myself whiplash. Once at the supper table my arm involuntarily jerked straight up like it did in the fifth grade when Mr. Foss, my history teacher, would ask a question and throw some candy to whoever answered it the fastest. I learned a lot of history that year but gained ten pounds and had three cavities. My wife won't let me go to any auctions now because she's afraid I'll accidentally buy a load of steers or a Louis the XIV fainting couch. My neurologist said he wouldn't worry about the jerking and seizures and I wouldn't either if I were him.

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