Sunday, September 15, 2019

Lee Pitts: Incoming

Government officials say over 5,000 invasive species have infiltrated our ecosystem and our economy causing an estimated $120 billion in damages annually. Here’s my top ten list of invasive species in America today.
10. Fake Food- Remember the days when the great American barbecue consisted of a salad made with fresh fruits and vegetables from the garden, garlic bread drenched in real butter and a steak that would melt in your mouth? In many homes that’s been replaced by fruits and vegetables imported from Mexico or South America, fake butter on gluten free bread and a hamburger made by chemists in a laboratory.
9. NIMBY’s- These urbanites messed in their own nest and then move to the country, build gaudy houses, put up tall fences armed with security cameras and set about changing their new home into something more closely resembling the hell hole they couldn’t wait to leave.
8. PETA People- These ugly people don’t look anything like the beautiful movie stars you see on billboards promoting PETA whose private parts are partly covered in lettuce leaves. They urge Americans not to eat meat and break down crying on TV talk shows because hens don’t have reproductive rights. They believe that owning another live being is an act of violence yet you can usually spot these PETA people in public parks picking up the poop of their non-human animals.
7. Millenials- This is a relatively new invasive species that we’ve never seen before. They vote for Crazy Bernie, pile up huge debt getting a worthless college degree in the humanities so they can live at home with their parents while working part-time at Olive Garden.
6. Vegans and Vegetarians- They are gatherers from a prehistoric era who ate mostly berries and bark because they had not yet learned how to hunt and were unaware of the glorious taste of meat. You can recognize them by their emaciated bodies and grey pallor. They think soy is the answer to all the world’s ills.
5. Wolves- Although wolves are native to this country not so the species we are importing in bulk from Canada and Mexico. At their current rate of killing it won’t be long before deer, elk and cattle are on the endangered species list. Then their huge packs will come for joggers, bike riders and school kids. They are being introduced to rid the west of the despicable American rancher.

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